


she's not him

by Marvellous



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, M/M, Not Beta Read, Nothing but angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 07:56:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12626535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvellous/pseuds/Marvellous
Summary: Dean tried to move on, but some things are easier said than done.





	she's not him

**Author's Note:**

> No characters belong to me.  
> Not beta read, all mistakes are my own.
> 
> Written while listening to 'She's Not Him' by Miley Cyrus.

Dean’s heart felt like it was breaking into an unimaginable amount of pieces as he drove away from the place he had felt so at home for more than two years, daring a glance in his rearview mirror at the girl he left there too. 

She waved, her other hand covering her mouth as he imagined the tears that were still spilling down her cheeks. Her blonde hair was tossed about in the wind, a scene which would forever be etched into his mind.

He told himself over and over this was the right thing. He couldn't give her what she deserved, so as content as it had been for him, he simply couldn't stay when he knew he’d never be able to fall in love with her. Not truly.

The hours passed as he drove, one destination in mind. The events of the past few years replayed on a loop. Meeting her at Sam’s wedding, that damn cat of hers that would never leave him alone, the way her brown eyes looked at him and she could tell exactly what he was thinking. All those little things that were never going to be present in his life from now on.

-

“Dean, can't we talk about this?” she pleaded with desperation, putting her hands on his knee.

He couldn't meet her eyes as he shook his head, “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Expression falling she leaned in and pressed her forehead to his, “I wish I could be who you wanted.”

Dean wrapped his arms around her, “You’re beautiful and amazing, and perfect in everyway. It’s just…you’re-“

“Not him?” she finished with a sad smile.

Closing his eyes he swallowed a lump in his throat. 

She took his face between her hands and kissed his forehead, knowing there wasn't much more to say after that.”

-

Dean finally pulled off a little gravel road. body numb from driving straight. The north wind made for a cold evening, the sun setting behind thick grey clouds. Still, he got out of the Impala, pulling his jacket tighter around him as he trudged to the top of a nearby hill from which he looked at the scene of trees changing around him.

“Nice view isn't it?” a gravelly voice sounded.

Keeping his green eyes forward he smiled softly, “It’s not so bad.”

“Not bad? You’re the one who picked it,” the voice scoffed.

Dean bit his lip, risking turning around. His eyes sparked hopefully. “Cas?” his voice broke.

“Hello, Dean.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t visited in awhile,” he said quietly, “I thought staying away would help with the whole moving on thing.”

“Any luck?”

“For awhile,” he said sadly, “Truth is, I don’t think I can.” 

“Don’t say that. You can.”

Dean buried his face in his hands, raising his voice, “No. No, I can't. Don’t you think that’s what I’ve tried doing for the past five years? Do you have any idea how much I loved you? You were everything to me. I didn’t know how good life was until you came along. I wanted a life with you, to settle down and do the whole kids thing. I would've died for you,” his eyes stung as his voice got lost in the wind, “I should've died for you.”

Silence.

“It should've been me. I should've seen that car, I should've saved you,” he shook from more than just the cold now, kneeling down on the dry grass, lungs heaving for air as he leaned his head against the obnoxious headstone that Castiel’s brother had insisted on getting. It was cold and dusty and the only flowers that were there were shrivelled and dead. “I miss you so much.”

The voice had stopped, leaving Dean to his despair on his own. A broken sob left his body, a feeling of hopelessness overtaking him, feeling like nothing else mattered. Without Castiel, he wanted to give up.

He straightened himself and leaned his weight back on his knees, his head falling back as he looked at the sky above him, a few stars starting to show in the patches that weren't covered with clouds.

“She wasn't you. No one will ever be you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any sadness or pain this may have caused.  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
